TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from spot. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let us have One more place the place American Adult males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: give everyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a function remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting focus from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have switch-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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